Sunday, February 26, 2012

Round and round she goes.....

There are times when I swear I am on a carousel going round and round and round. This week has been one of those times. It seems that it is the same thing over and over and over. I get up in the morning, take my meds, wait about an hour for them to kick in and boost me on my slow way to the kitchen, start the coffee process, watch the news for a bit while the coffee makes, prepare a bowl of oatmeal with honey and cinnamon, pour the coffee, and finish watching the news.

I round the carousel corner by getting dressed, checking my emails and blog, and then deciding what one or two things I may be able to accomplish given my pain levels for the day. If I choose laundry then that is pretty much it for the day. If I choose to clean my bathroom I know this will put me out of commission for days on end. If I decide on vacuuming I might as well have decided to fall off a cliff (the dust bunnies just keep growing and multiplying in my home).  If I decide to focus on my health and venture out for that round the block walking trip, I then need to rest but yet again when I arrive home.

Round and round she goes, where she will wind up nobody knows.  I suppose the tedious monotony of it all is what is making me nauseous of late. I want things to be just a bit more normal. Say, could I at least have the option of doing my one load of laundry and taking a walk? Or perhaps, am I asking too much, be able to vacuum and not have my hands, wrists and elbows feel like they are dislocated?

Can someone please contact the ride operator and let them know it is time for me to get off. I am tired of riding this ra ride and would like a reprieve now. I am tired of the same old, same old with the side effects of the medications available and the possible long term implications on my health if I decide to venture down a new med road again. I am just tired.

Ironically, since my car was stolen and taken for a joy ride, I look at her with new found respect. She has been mechanically fixed and runs just fine but her body still has patches which shows the abuse.  Once we finalize her with a brand new paint job, no one will know. Her secrets will be hidden below her new paint job and she can once again zip around with pride. How come I can't get patched up like that? How come we have to wear our battle scars permanently with this disease? And how come we can not return to our old selves? Our remake is constant and never ending. We must ALWAYS be under reconstruction either by taking meds, getting surgeries or trying our darndest to just maintain what is left.

Yep, I am ready to stop riding this merry-go-round. Can someone please notify the operator to let me off?

This way I can find me a human repair shop whereby I can trade in my body parts for new ones and spray on a new set of skin.


adrienne said...

Deb, wouldn't that be great? A human body shop that would fix the problems with bondo and paint us so you can't see the problems?! Kinda sounds like a scifi movie I saw once. I am sorry you are having a rough time. Stay strong.

The Lady in Pred said...

Deb, I'm on that Merry-go-Round too. I wish there were an easy way off! You sound discouraged--so sorry. It seems that as many drugs as there are that there would be some that we could take? I hope you are feeling better soon!

Deb aka AbcsOfra said...

Adrienne...I sure do wish it were that! And I am sure I will slow this whir a wig down a bit a some point :-)

The Lady in Pred...Yes, it would seem to be that simple..pop a pill...take a shot and vooommm...all better but alas..that just isn't the case with these complicated autoimmune illnesses. And I hope you are feeling better soon too!

Unknown said...

Deb, so sorry you are having a hard time. :(

Susan said...

Hi Deb,

I used to love merry go rounds and roller coasters. I guess that's when they were a choice.

Now, we don't get to choose when we get on the ride, or how long it will last, or how high the loops, or how fast the twirl, or when we get off.

For me, at least, the lack of control is sometimes the worst part. Once I get through to acceptance, I can cope better.

I send my hopes and prayers that this ride is over soon for you, and tomorrow finds you in a better place.

Your humor and positive attitude do so much for all of us who read your blog. I hope you know how much we care!

Deb aka AbcsOfra said...

Cathy...thank you for your support. Some days the sun shines others I have to find that rainbow. I keep looking knowing it is out there and I will discover it :-)

Susan...I find if I focus too much on my diseases it just makes it tougher in the long run. So I take "off" for a few days here and there and then I can get back on the horse so to say. And I ALWAYS have faith in tomorrow while living today to its fullest. Thank you for being there!

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