The Rip Tide...

The first call came over two and 1/2 months ago.  He was ill. He had been diagnosed with lung cancer caused from agent orange. My brother was in a fight for his life.

Immediately I left, drove the grueling 10 hour drive to be with him. To do what I could, when I could and as I should.  We all fought together side by side for weeks. It went on for weeks. The around the clock care to do what we could, when we could and as we could.

We didn't win the battle though. It reminds me of a rip tide. You get caught up in it. Your first instinct is to fight against it and fight hard. Of course you believe you will win the battle. But as you fight it you are overwhelmed with the realization that at some point if you don't just let go and drift out, succumb to the realization that you can't beat it, you will drown anyway. That is what the fight reminds me of when one is fighting such a cancer.  And not that I don't want to ever believe that many will win but in his case, the foundation was laid years and years ago and the odds were stacked against us all. Damn Vietnam War! Damn agent orange!

He passed away July 26, 2012.  He was only 64. His favorite motto was "Livin' the Moment".  And so since his death I have been trying to do just that. I have taken back out my bucket list and began to consciously work off that list.  I am trying to Live in The Moment to honor him and his memory. To honor all their memories.

The waves have finally (I hope) washed me roughly back up onto the shore.  It has been a tough rip current ride this past few months. One that I am not sure I can ever (nor maybe should I ever) forget.  And one that will take me a long, long time to unravel and come to grips with.  We loose so much in our lives living with chronic illness and one would think that we would get use to riding out the tough times. But we don't.  We truly don't.

I think these past few years and all my close family members passing has just taken its toll on me. I will try to stay grounded on the beach for awhile and I will try to tend my life but I will always (and I mean always) have my eye on the far horizon…wondering if the rip tide will get me again.

How I try to forget about ra...

I know that we can never really forget about ra because it is there like the very heart that keeps us going. But I do try really hard to forget about my ra.  And one of my favorite places I like to go when I am able is a local hideaway here in my hometown.  I can't help but smile when I am here...

This lovely little gem is our county's arboretum.  Here I am taken away by the beauty of a cultivated haven, kept safe by master gardeners trained at this very spot.

Every season offers a variety of bursting colors, smells, and natural beauty that reminds me of just how blessed I truly am on this earth.

And every corner offers a different garden...should one wish to replicate it in their own backyard. I say...just move me here instead!

In addition to a water garden, a Japanese garden, Children's garden, and ability garden there is a breathtaking rose garden.  But this beauty only blooms once per year.

And even though I come here to get away from it all, I am still reminded of the beast that lurks within.  This serpent has become my mascot of sorts for my personal ra.  He is always hiding but if you look closely you will see him at every turn.

And although there is a lovely paved walkway that weaves in and near each garden, if one is brave you can get off the beaten path if you wish.

This little gem is one of my favorite flowers!  And yes, I do have these in my backyard at home as well.

For me, bridges remind me of my accomplishments.  There is just something comforting and inviting when I see such a beauty.  I can't help but want to crossover it and get to the other side.

And yes, for the weary they have built in many rest stops along the way.

If you are lucky enough to have an arboretum in your neck of the woods, I highly recommend you pack a picnic and head on over.  You may just be surprised at the many wonders that lurk within.  Happy trails!

OKz...letz me getz thiz straightz. Yuz getz toz goez toz thiz loveliez place, whiltz I stays homez in my holez? Ohz heckz noz! Youz willz payz dearlyz tonightz!

Bad Blogger!

Yup that's me! I have been away for awhile in the real world.  Part of my absence has been due to traveling and some due to lack of wanting to write.  I think that blogging can become like having a chronic illness.  At times we just want to run away from it all and pretend like nothing is wrong. Pretend that everything is perfect and we are normal like the rest of the world. But sadly that just isn't the case.

I know I have arrived at a crossroads.  A crossroads with many intersecting conflicts brewing inside, many thoughts to wade through until I come up with resolutions.  Partly I know that some of this is due to my chronic illnesses and partly I know it is also just due to life.  Even healthy normal people go through these conflicts and this is good to know.

What will I do?  I am not so sure right now and this is partly the reason I have been avoiding blogging.  I needed some time to step away from things for awhile, time to just try and live without thinking about chronic illness.

Was I successful?  Well, one never really escapes chronic illness and I know you know this if you are reading this blog.  It will always be there lurking somewhere and although we may try to push it aside for awhile, it is still in the shadows of our lives.  But for a period of time I did at times forget I was chronically ill. And no, the pain did not just evaporate but because I was able to immerse myself in a different place, a different paradigm, I did get away from it all.

Even if just for awhile.

Thank you for your support during this time and thank you for your patience.

Iffinz uz thinkz I wuz outz of de spotlitz furz longz....uz iz kiddinz yurselfz! Iz iz backz! Seez whatz uz beenz missinz!